My Son "The Faggot"

- By Kazza K



I want to start by saying that I hate the word faggot, I loathe it as a matter of fact. It's like a lot of other words that people shouldn't use, that I also don't like. I won't mention them as we know them and I don't have to give them power by using them. Anyway, "faggot" is one of those words used as a put-down, it's used to be nasty, and it's used to discriminate. I just want to say my son is gay. No-one in this family has a problem with that, we love and support each other, gay, straight or otherwise. Our immediate family and close friends are all open, interesting, quirky, unique and definitely LGBTQ friendly. A few of my friends are gay or bi, and I grew up with a trans male who transitioned to female.

Today the word "faggot" was used on my son. It was used when he was out with a friend, having a quick bite to eat after university. He and his friend, R, were sitting and talking in a food court of a large shopping mall, when a group of 4 young women started throwing chips at D and his friend; and were generally being annoying and rude. My son asked them to stop throwing food, and, after the 6th time of this food stupidity, he asked them again, when one of the young women replied - "look at you, the way you dress, the way you talk" my son told them to "calm down" then another girl piped up "yeah, you talk like a fucking faggot," another one said "you dress like a faggot too." Wonderfully intelligent young women  that they were seemed to feel well dressed, well spoken men are "faggots. My son took exception and told them, in a lowered tone, to "just keep quiet" and that they were being "childish."To which one of the young women replied along the lines of they were going to get their father(s) to "fag bash him." Lovely! My son approached them and said - "You know what? No amount of make-up, hair dye or sugar coating is ever going to make you beautiful, as you're ugly from the inside out." (Bravo D, in my opinion).They continued on in a charming manner of calling him and his friend "fags," his friend is straight, not that it matters, that their fathers were going to "bash them," that "you look like a sissy...." and on it went. My son and his friend left. 

I was furious when I picked him up after and he told me what had happened. He said to me it was "pretty awful" but he felt "right" for speaking up, it felt good to say something to them. He said "you know mum, I felt like I got to say something to them that I didn't get to say to the people that were bullies at school and I don't have to hang around these people. I can get up, leave and have my friends that are mature, intelligent and like me for who I am." When he said that it made me feel like something good came out of something nasty. I also teared up a little, when he wasn't looking. To be honest he took it better than me. I know it bothered him but he dealt with it really well. We talked about it again a bit later and he feels calm. Anyone who has read my blog "My Son The Aspie" will know what he has been through, what we've all worked towards as a family. He doesn't like confrontation, it's still uncomfortable for him, but he stood up for something today, he handled it his way and I think he did well. I asked him what R said and he told me "nothing really," apparently R is a quiet young man.

I know what happened today is minor compared to other issues like bashings, beatings, suicides, but it is the thin end of the wedge. It's 2012 and we are fighting for marriage equality and human rights. I shudder to think what families these young women come from for them to be so actively seeking mischief and to be so venemous.

I'll just add this last piece, which I think sums up my son's character - When I asked why he left, the food court, was he worried? He said "mum, there were mums in the food court with their children after school, it was pretty packed out, I didn't want to make a scene. I wanted to have my say, but not upset the little kids around me."

I ask you who is the better person? I'll answer, not those females, that's for sure, but my wonderful son who continues to grow into a fine young man, that's who.



The Good, The Bad and The...Something - Reviewing Book Reviews.



- By Kazza K

I've been looking at book reviews lately with a more critical eye, mine, others as well. Some people write amazing reviews whether they be positive or negative. Some people love everything, some people appear to hate everything, some people seem to rate as the book moves them. Then there are the people who seem to troll authors or book genres they don't really like in the first place. They appear to pick things out that they don't/won't like, don't actually read the books half of the time, then proceed to rate it poorly; often with no substance to their rating. Do not get me wrong, I firmly believe everyone is entitled to their opinion, I give mine enough and I'm not entitled any more or any less than anyone else. I've given books 2 stars and a keyboard slap that others have raved about, however, I always read the book. If I DNF then I normally don't review it at all, unless there is something that has really upset me and I feel is ill-informed, insulting or prejudicial. I also try to keep my opinion informed, although there is one I feel a bit of regret about, I didn't explain myself particularly well on that occasion. I believe people should back up what they say when they rate a book with either a 1 or 2 star rating. Also, I don't think it is fair to rate a book containing a) things you don't like, even though the official blurb explains clearly what's in it, but you get it anyway, and then bitch that it's about things you don't like or b) review a book poorly because it's subject matter squicks you out, when it has clearly been labelled as containing sensitive/strong material or subjects that are known to, well,..."squick" people out. I've moved on plenty of times, and not rated, because it wasn't what I wanted. It happens. I'm not going to shit on someone's livelihood or love of writing because of it.

Obviously, it's not possible for everyone to like the same genres, writers within genres, topics, subject matter, writing style, humour, darkness, sweetness etc etc. The world would be a boring place if we only liked the same things and if we all liked things to the same degree. Everyone sees something or some things differently, I tend to find the slightest bit of psychological content and grab hold of that for dear life. I think I sometimes over-analyse things. I read a particular writer's blog recently, one that I like as a writer by the way, who didn't like people like me making something complicated out of what, they felt, was uncomplicated. OK, but sometimes the writer isn't aware of how they may be unconsciously putting down material that is deeper than they realise, but, anyway, that's just my view. Everything is not always analytical for me, I also like humour, when it's done right - but my idea of humour and yours may be two very different things. That's OK. I loved Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes, I loved him taking the piss, but there were plenty who felt he was offensive, whatever. That's what makes the world go 'round isn't it?

I'm not a writer, never have been, other than reviews, my therapy sheets, and some other boring and dry documentation. Of course, I now write here at this little rambling blog, pretty much for myself, because it's cathartic. I think it's a pretty hard gig, writing books that is, and I respect that; after all I love to read. I've seen a couple of writers lately get bad reviews for seemingly no reason other than someone being contrary, it's annoying and I don't think it's fair play. Human nature being what it is we do tend to lean towards the dark side more easily. Anyway, I don't know these writers, by the way, so there's no personal connection, in case someone was wondering.

So, here is another soapbox moment of mine. If anyone's out there, feel free to comment, bitch slap me, or add some extra info of your own.

How the message on this T-shirt makes me feel.

 

- By Kazza K

Just recently this photo hit my FB page on two separate occasions. The first time I saw it I had an immediate dislike at a visceral or gut-feel level, the actual person posting it thought it was very clever. I didn't comment, I thought  "why rain on someone else's parade" and, basically, I get it -Brokeback Mountain, seminal, mainstream, LGBT  movie, let's have a bit of fun. Then it popped up again this week, through a gay social media site on my FB page, and I experienced the same reaction - I didn't like it, but most comments were positive, people thought it was "funny, cool, awesome, I love Jake Gyllenhaal even more now" and so on. I really wanted to have my say when I noticed a young lady by the name of Terese posted the following - "I might be taking this too personally but I really don't like what that shirt is implying... my own mother thinks that I'm only gay because it is 'cool'. Not a fan of this picture :/" I 'liked' her comment, I really got her POV.

It actually reminded me of a fairly recent interview of Chelsea Handler with Adam Lambert. I watched it because, truth be known, I love his voice, and she stated – “So your gay” which he acknowledged, and that he has a partner now etc. and then she proceeded to say “it’s cool being gay now, right?” I can't remember all of it but she reiterated the fact that it's "cool being gay" again. Adam Lambert let out an uncomfortable half- laugh, was diplomatic but adopted a kind of awkward body language and a ‘you’re kidding me’ look for just a split second,  he didn’t answer the question, she moved on after a moment, but it was a stupid, uncomfortable and flippant question. Let me answer. Yes, Chelsea, it’s always "cool" to be a minority. One that has to be mindful of being bashed when out, has limited legal partner rights, finds it difficult to adopt, has to deal with gay panic laws, has to be in the closet in certain professions, and is currently copping heaps of pressure from right wing bigots in opposition to having the ‘audacity’ to ask for marriage equality. I know there have been some inroads made, but, still it's 2012 and in some parts of the world being gay is a death sentence. "Cool?!"

Which takes me into therapist mode. I've counselled more than a few gay, lesbian and bi clients in my practice over the years, and amongst those 'few' are teenagers. Being a teenager is hard at the best of times, raging hormones, half way between being a child and an adult, expectations, you get my drift. LGBT teens can have some other things to deal with 1) there are the parents who think that their child is going through a "phase" or, more recently, they're trying to be "cool" (as Terese pointed out in her comment) because it's like being emo or eating pizza, they see it as a choice, that their child is somehow trying to fit in, or they're 'seeking attention', that one gets thrown out there a lot. Plus 2) there is often a ton of crap coming your way from peers, family and school, let alone realising you are not what mum, dad, other family members and society says you should be - thinking about/dating boys, if you're a girl, thinking about/dating girls, if you're a boy. I'm not going to speak for everyone, but many within the LGBT community go through a period of self-loathing and confusion for not fitting into society's "norm." If they're lucky they have a decent family to support them through it, or, perhaps, if necessary, good counselling and/or groups where they can meet other LGBT members and feel comfortable and safe.

Anyway, back to the photo, which I believe is well and truly photo-shopped, by the way, but, no matter, the point remains the same from my perspective, I'm with Terese, I don't like it. I believe it sends out the '"cool" or "lifestyle choice" message and I don't and won't ever support that. Am I being narky? I'm sure it's meant to be fun, but it hit a raw nerve with me.

Feel free to add your honest thoughts if you wish, but keep it reasoned and sensible.